I’m 22 and a virgin. This is partly because I wanted to wait and partly because I hadn't met anyone I liked enough to have sex with. Through a hobby group I've now met someone special and we want to have sex. Like me, he’s a virgin. But when he checked my vagina he said he could tell I wasn’t a virgin and he doesn’t feel able to be with me until I can be truthful. I don’t know how to convince him that I am a virgin and don’t know what signs he can see that tell him I’m not. I’ve never even had a finger inside me. I'm now worried I might be mistaken about myself. Can you help me explain this to him?

I can try and help you explain this to him, although I wonder if it is really worth your time. Besides, there is something far more important I want you to hold on to.

You are not mistaken. You know your body. You know your sexual history. If he is not able to believe and respect you now, I’m unsure if anything I can tell you will change his mind.

I’m sure everyone reading this will have the same thought that I did on receiving your message, and are wondering what the circumstances were that led up to him checking your vagina?

There are some really good reasons for having someone check out your genitals. Usually you’d expect it to be pleasurable – a turn on for the both of you. But it might also be a good idea if you felt something was wrong and needed someone to reassure you, or suggest you need to see a doctor.

The situation you describe – him inspecting you to see if you are a virgin – is nothing like those scenarios.

You’ve had no kind of sexual experience before and it saddens me your first encounter with someone you wanted to be intimate with has begun with you being told that you're dishonest, and don’t know your own mind, or body.

That raises a very big red flag for me and it should worry you, too.

There are other ways you might have approached this. You could have refused a virginity check outright. Or if it happened without you being forewarned, you could have told him his actions were completely out of order.

You could have told him he was wrong when he proclaimed you weren’t a virgin. You might have pointed out neither of you are very sexually experienced, so why was he claiming to know more about your body than you did? You could have refused any further discussion about it. You may have told him to get better educated about virginity and women’s bodies. You might have told him his actions felt alarming and controlling. You may have called attention to his attempts at trying to blame or shame you.

You could have said he clearly had no idea what he was talking about.

Any or all of these responses would have been reasonable. And all of them are a good enough reason to end the relationship. Can you think about why it was that these reactions weren’t possible for you?

Is it about confidence issues? A lack of experience? Wanting to please him? Not feeling you could refuse his checking of your body? Noting why you reacted as you did is as important as recognising his actions – and reactions – are a problem.

Virginity isn’t a clinical condition. It’s an idea. All it means is that a person’s not had penis in vagina intercourse before. There are no physiological or visual tests you can do to check someone’s a virgin.

That doesn’t mean there aren’t individuals, cultures or communities that believe virginity is physical entity you can test for. Usually said groups are not well informed about physiology and have a limited sex education. These views are often, but not exclusively, found in groups where gender discrimination against is high and a premium is placed on ‘purity’ and virginity (again, usually for women). Some or all of these may apply to your boyfriend.

You have several options.

The first starts with you, and is about learning more about what virginity is (and isn’t) and what you may enjoy during sex. You can find that information via the resources in the link above, plus learn more about your own body at Our Bodies Ourselves and sex and relationships via Scarleteen and Bish.

The second involves you gathering friends and family around you, to help you feel happier, stronger, and more supported. It is easier to make good decisions and act assertively if you feel other people have got your back.

The third relies on you working out if this is about him needing better sex education, or him being potentially abusive and controlling.

Rather than convincing him of any ‘truth’ (of his making) I would tell him he can only stay with you if he listens to, believes, and respects you. And if he learns about sex and relationships (he can begin with the link above, which, in turn will take him to other places he can find out more about sex).

If he can address these things then you may be able to stay together. If he cannot, or if you are fearful of even mentioning this to him this is a sign the relationship is wrong. Not you. Or your memory. Or your body. In that case it may be safer and simpler to end the relationship without further discussion.

I know you have waited a long time to meet someone you truly desire. You have met someone now, but even in these early days of the relationship you aren’t feeling happy. They are not the only person you’ll ever meet. There will be other people who are kinder, more sexually informed, more respectful, better communicators and won’t subject you to virginity checks.

Your time is precious. Use it to enjoy being single, or finding someone better suited to you.

Petra Boynton is a social psychologist and sex researcher working in International Health Care and studying sex and relationships. She is The Telegraph’s agony aunt. Follow her on Twitter @drpetra.

Email your sex and relationships queries in confidence to:agony.aunt@telegraph.co.uk

Petra cannot print answers to every single question submitted, but she does read all your emails. Please note that by submitting your question to Petra, you are giving your permission for her to use your question as the basis of her column, published online at Wonder Women.

All questions will be kept anonymous and key details, facts and figures may change to protect your identity. Petra can only answer based on the information you give her and her advice is not a substitute for medical, therapeutic or legal advice.

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